When our son returned from his third deployment, we could tell that something wasn’t right. We knew that there had been subtle changes even after the first and second deployments, but we could see a significant change after his return from deployment number three. We weren’t quite sure what was going on, and he really didn’t want to talk about it.
We tried to respect his privacy and we figured that his adjustment was just going to take a bit longer this time. Prior to deployment, we had a very open and positive relationship with our son. He would often share his hopes and dreams with us, and he would often come to us for advice. Family was important to him and he made a point to include us in his life as much as possible, though we were separated by hundreds of miles and five years of military service.
He didn’t talk about his work as a Marine, but he always talked about his buddies. He would bring them home with him on long weekends and it wasn’t unusual for him to put the guys on the phone whenever we were having a conversation. Even from the early days of our son’s entry into the fleet, there were always a handful of Marines calling me “Mom”. Over the years, I’ve taken a bunch of Marines to lunch, and more than once this old lady has been invited to a barbecue with Marines and their wives or girlfriends.
My husband and I found it very difficult to interact with this “changed” son of ours. The open and positive relationship that we had always enjoyed with him had become strained, awkward, and uncomfortable. Our son became very withdrawn and angry. It seemed like the more we tried to talk to him, the more angry he became. He withdrew further and further and we felt like a stranger had inhabited his body.
As our son’s life began to unravel, he would come to us for help, but our efforts and intentions were always misunderstood and he often seemed confused and frustrated. It was as if we were speaking a foreign language and he couldn’t interpret what we were saying. It seemed like everything we did was wrong and angry outbursts would often end any sort of conversation in which we were involved.
Worry began to set in, and after several months, we felt that we just couldn’t sit by and do nothing. We were completely unsure of what to do because, after all, Momma doesn’t call the Marine Corps…..EVER! Our family was trained well, and I can honestly say that in those first five or six years of his enlistment, we never once called the Corps.
Truth be told, there was no one to call. He was never in a unit that had one of those family newsletters going out, and as parents, we were excluded from the family readiness groups available to spouses and children. For those in the military who are single, they are basically on their own.
And here lies the problem. For those serving in the military who are unmarried, they have no advocate. HIPPA laws prevent involvement in the health care process unless permission is given. Our single troops are trained to leave Mom and Dad out of things and they aren’t living with a spouse who can step in and insist that help is sought.
TBI and PTSD are invisible wounds. No one can see them and they often manifest as what appears to be a behavior problem. Rather than investigate the cause of sudden changed behavior, those with PTSD and TBI are often “disciplined” and do not receive the help they need. This only compounds the frustration and will likely lead to much bigger problems.
Without an advocate who might be able to insist that medical care is sought, those suffering with PTSD and mild TBI often go untreated. If they have sought help, it is likely that they are on multiple medications that often prohibit any type of proper diagnosis. With TBI, reasoning skills are often affected. Tack on PTSD, and a medication with side effects, and you have a recipe for disaster.
With suicide rates in the military higher than they have ever been, as parents, we can’t afford to sit back and do nothing because the system is designed to keep us out. We may not be knowledgeable about combat, but we know our children better than anyone else. We need to know what the warning signs are for PTSD and TBI, and if we see these signs emerging in our adult children, we need to get involved to make sure they receive proper care.
With multiple deployments, it’s a wonder anyone could come back from war and be unaffected. Be on the lookout for changes in your child’s behavior. If you see warning signs, don’t ignore them. Even if you feel like you are being shut out, there is plenty you can do to learn about dealing with PTSD. Your child is going to need your support more than he will ever know, so be ready. Be armed with knowledge so you can survive the “new normal” in your child’s life.
To find out more about the symptoms of PTSD, visithttp://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/what-is-ptsd.asp.
To read current news articles about combat PTSD, visit http://fellednot.com/news/ptsd/.
About Beth Pennington
Wow, Beth – this is POWERFUL. I love you and am here for you!! Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks Patti!
My son also changed after Iraq tour #3. PTSD has ravaged his mind, down to his soul. The worst thing that can happen? The ability NOT to be a caregiver at all. How many of these vets are simply left, twisting in the wind, as med review boards go on an excrutiating year or more, while families wait on opposite ends of the country to see if their PTSD wounded vet ‘meets criteria’ for any type of retirement disability at all. The audacity of a panel to sit in judgment and decide without ever probably being deployed themselves, just how ‘disabled with PTSD’ one really is. Are they faking it? How much has their service been ‘worth’?
I feel as if the military wishes these guys would just shut up and disappear. Some are labeled a disgrace by the military. Some have been subject to ridicule and reprimands.
Did you know many vets simply aren’t allowed to leave their base assigned area while undergoing this med board review? Further isolating them from their families?
How many of us can afford to keep flying out to check on our beloved vet? Who is their advocate?
Many of us sit in silence, secretly in despair, afraid to say anything as retribution runs rampant, just ask me, its happened to MY son.
I love him dearly with all my heart and soul. To have anyone think he is disposable is an insult.
Beth: you wrote this article FOR me, my son is single, I am not allowed his medical records, I am out in the cold, he is left alone.
These eloquent paragraphs you wrote speak of my families experience.
I WISH I COULD BE his caregiver. I would take that task gladly, willingly.
To our military leaders: when they are no longer of use to you, please make your decisions to release them swiftly, many lives are on hold while you calculate their value and cost.
Roberta, we have MUCH in common. I know there are SO many of us out here desperately seeking answers and help for our children. The words you have spoken here could have come from my mouth. I would love to speak with you about this if you are interested.
I have tossed endless nights as I wondered what the future would hold for my son. Tour #1 just a few short years ago had me wrought with fear, my neighbor found me one evening in my backyard blindly watering a tree and in tears. I have rug burn from the constant prayers to God above to keep my son safe, alive. I counted my blessings each time the deployment ended and he would hit American soil once again. Tour #3, not sure what happened, I have brief snippets he has shared. As a search and rescue pilot, I don’t think it ever occurred to him that there may be far more recovery missions that rescues. I had no idea the tremendous toll this took on him, or his buddies.
He was number one in his classes in school, the outgoing, gregarious fun loving loud mouthed kid, the one everyone wanted to be around. So much has changed.
I do know tour #3 scared him. He saw things, tells me of stories of flying in blinding sand storms, picking up the critically injured kids, younger than him and he’s not yet near 30. He was not prepared for the ‘medical’ side of being a pilot. A helo, search and rescue pilot. He chose this field. He chose his aircraft carefully.
His dad and I sat in stunned silence when they announced that day he could have his beloved chopper. I was ill, scared as they fly night missions, not far above the earth.
I can only wonder what his thoughts were while being shot at, firing his flares to ward off rpg, hearing screams and smelling and as he has said, tasting the flesh of the dying. Yes, he has experienced death, first hand.
No one believes his tale. He has been told he is faking PTSD to get out of the military. I am still angry over the audacity of panels sitting in judgment as to what percentage of him is now tainted with the PTSD label, maybe 40%? Whats that worth?
He is not disposable, you see. He is my son. I loaned him to you, trusting you, our beloved United States of America, would care for him once safely on American soil.
I was unprepared for the ‘other’ war, the one waged on these young guys who willingly, blindly go into these careers by choice, thinking they are doing good, for all mankind, a mission. It is their thought that the rest of the world will see them as such.
Amazing, nightly news is full of reports of US Soldiers killing this one and that one, convoys mistakenly being hit by drones, killing ‘innocent’ civilians’ in a foreign country.
I am amazed I never heard the story of a Navy Seal team that came across a sheep herder in the hills of Afghanistan, amazed that the Seals, despite their better judgment, let an old shepherd wander off, only to find the Taliban and inform them of the Seals whereabouts. The very young man, the brave US SOLDIER, that allowed an old shepherd to live, paid the price, with his life. Amazingly, he stayed in radio communication with the rest of his comrades to get help to his Seal team with him.
No one talks of that. Just sour faced journalists, caught up in the moment of the latest Tweet of Weinergate.
If only that idiot had a shred of decency like these young brave men dying for this country, for HIS right to tweet vulgarities and proudly announce he won’t resign, as our military members come home, homeless, discarded by the very government they fought to protect and serve. I would tell any parent out there right now, stop their kid in his or her tracks, this price has been too high, the toll on all of us enormous, and it doesn’t end.
Medical Review boards with their prying questions, what was your mother like? Were you molested by your parents? You’ve gotta be kidding. They twist in the wind for months, and as in my sons case, 18, almost 19 grueling months.
I ask myself many nights, what do they want? Do they WANT him to shut up and disappear? Would that cleanse their consciences? Make it go away? Make it tidy, clean, and normal? The very fact that these guys aren’t getting adequate medical care by Third World standards makes me nuts.
It is all appalling. I am as angry and dismayed, maybe even more so, than my son is at this point.
So, I sit here, and I wait, waiting for his next brief text, email, something that shows me that the ‘other war’ hasn’t claimed another victim. I pray, band-aids on the rug burned knees.
I wonder, wonder what life would have been like if he had chosen another path, too late for that, and as I ponder his fate, I cry for the innocense, cry for the lives lost, the lives stolen, thrown away in this disposable society in which we live.
The word needs to get out there, loudly, I am not there yet, still holding my breath for his final outcome. God, I pray he lives thru this. Lord, I pray I do as well.